Key to Prolific: The Subject That Shall Not Be Named…

by jonnahzkennedy

Gra-a-a-a-ammar 

I would like to warn anyone first and foremost if I come off as harsh or brash in this post, I’m not in the best of moods at the moment, but I still would like to be as informative as possible despite my grievances and angers. Anyhow, today I decided I should talk about the one thing that many of us fear and hate: Grammar. He’s the big kid from the rich family who dosen’t associate well with the common folk. He has his own private playground, a special class just for him, and an entourage that goes to the bathroom with him.  Grammar can be a big douche, but secretly at night he cries in bed because despite all of his riches, he has no friends other than his lonesome, ill mind. Grammar is a person that all writers should learn to become friends witch, because while he can be quite aggravating, he still can benefit you in ways you could never imagine. He’s rich, you must remember that: he could be the one paying your bills for the next ten years, the person who finally get’s you that part in the movie or TV show you’ve been wanting to be in for a long time. Grammar is the gateway to success in the writing world. 

Speaking anecdotally, my writing has been heavily ridiculed my entire life because of my appalling grammar. No one has outright said that my grammar was that bad, but people can be highly indicative of what they mean by simply implying things with diction. Today was a very bad day for me because of the works that I have been truly most proud of was called out for it’s grammar. This made me decide that I was sick of people calling me out, not because my writing was bad or my ideas stupid, but simply because they couldn’t get over a misplaced apostrophe or comma that may not necessarily disrupt the flow of my work, but just because they cannot look past simple flaws and read the story for what it is rather than how it looks. Anyhow, I have 30 dollars to spend and I’ll be going to Half Price Books tomorrow and purchasing grammar books so that way I’ll stomp on the faces of those people who have stomped on mine for the past few years, and yes I’m a bit bitter, but soon when I have my book as number one on a bestseller list of some kind I will be spitting fire, you betcha! 

If you don’t want to be as bitter as I am, I think that it is a valuable and fruitful endeavor for every writer to invest in some kind of grammar guide and grammar books. The literary world has been very particular and punctuated about how they want shit done: no misplaced commas, no misused words, no misplaced apostrophes. If you ever have dreams of seeing your work in print, you better get your shit together and get your grammar right. 90% of average book buyers will read your work regardless of how well your grammar is because their grammar is limited to what they need to know in order to write a well written email or response letter, but nothing more: the average reader is not going to take apart your syntax or punctuation and look in awe over how wonderful it is, if anything they are going to gawk at your beautiful wordplay and powerful ideas, but I’m ranting now. Any respectable agent or publisher will not even look past the first sentence of your book if you have a misplaced comma because that single comma will be the red flag that your writing is shit. It’s a cruel and harsh would out there, and if you want to survive, you better start learning the difference between your and you’re fast. Otherwise, as the old saying goes: GTFO. 

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