A Thing on Writing
So I just wanted to write a really, really quick post about writing. As you all know, I am a writer, of course I would still be considered an aspiring writing as I haven’t had any veritable recognition or ‘fame’ as a writer (and in a second I’ll talk about my beliefs on such things as fame as a writer), but still, I’ve been writing for almost a decade (a decade in two years, 2016) so I consider myself on the threshold of at least being simply called a ‘writer’. Anyhow, I wanted to write this post because for the past week or so, I am very well under my word court, or at least, I haven’t once reached my daily word count of 2,500 words all week, and it’s had it’s toll as I see tonight. I am working on a story for a very prestigious contest, and I’m finding it incredibly hard to move the story, and what is more, as I write, there is a strange ‘static’-ness to it, I feel as though my brain is numb to the act of writing, and it’s not only this, for every time that I have had a moment to write a few words, I feel as though a spring or a screw is missing, and I don’t like that, it’s disheartening and very shaking, and I suddenly realized something that prompted me to write this post:
I was no longer seeing writing as enjoyment, rather, I was seeing it far too much as a job.
My mother had long feared this, in fact, she said she didn’t even see the ‘fire’ in my eyes that I once had, and I think I understand that now. For about a month or two, I have been working with my English teacher to try and get my name out there on the market, to really start picking up some pace to become the writer I have always dreamed of, and it wasn’t until tonight that I realized that it has become less of a hobby and more of a job, as the act of getting your name known and trying to get attention for your work is a very, very hard thing, and I think that in the midst of that, you forget why you started writing in the first place, and that was because you enjoyed it so much. Most of my recent stories have felt less like the stories that I want to write, and more like the stories that I need to write because we need material to put on the market, and this is damaging. No writer should ever come to the point where they are no longer writing what they really want to write, and they are writing because they need to write. Now, this is is not to say that you shouldn’t like honor deadlines or anything it’s just that, don’t get caught up in something other than why you write.
Writing is my passion. This week has been pure and utter hell for me because I haven’t had a chance to just sit down and write what I really want to write, I feel as though my muse was suddenly walked away and none of the words make sense any more. Most would say it’s time for a break, but I think that it’s time that I start focusing on what I want to do and not what I need to do, I think that it’s time to re-access and refine my writing and my writing skills because once I do that, I think that I will finally be able to head back up to the Writers Market and buy myself another pack of those good ol’ Creative Cigarettes, because I tell you, in February, I think I had the best creative high I’d had in a long time, and I want that so bad again. I want it like an athlete (for which I am not at all) who craves the adrenaline rush of running, lifting, or doing some other thing that get’s their blood pumping; I want my blood to pump, my heart to palpitate so hard in my chest that I fear it might burst right out, but I want to be so high on creativity and so high with happiness that I don’t even feel it, all I feel is the train picking up under my feet, faster and faster (and faster still) until it’s time to jump off and feel the air all around me, shifting and whooshing like some incredible force that is overtaking me, and I want to land on my feet and keep running, and jump from building to building like some hero. I don’t want to feel numb anymore, I want to feel like I’m running and running with a great fury.
That’s how every writer should feel about writing. You should never come to your computer or your notebook with something like dread or numbness, because that means you’ve lost the spirit or you’re on the brink of losing it. You should come with the fury, you should sick two or three of those Creative Cigarettes between your lips, light them up with words, and watch them smoke, and behind that thin veil of smoke, you should see the world, you should see your characters and your friends come to life on the page, and you should be able to sit back and just enjoy yourself, get a bowl of popcorn and watch that puppy unfold before your eyes like some beauteous spring rose.